Legally Blind Observations

legallyblindobservations:

Readership, the fact that this feature is in its tenth installment is a testament to the stupidity of the average person. When I posted my very first “Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?” back on Blogger, I had no idea that two years later I would still be going strong with my tenth iteration. Of course, I was also a hell of a lot more naive about people back then.

But anyway.

First off, we have “that’s the coolest thing since sliced bread!” Who the hell thinks sliced bread is cool? And moreover, who the HELL thinks it’s cool enough to be some kind of “cool landmark” - on whose Timeline of Cool is sliced bread an important point? What does the rest of their Timeline of Cool look like? Something like “Lightbulb->Television->Sliced Bread”? Who couldn’t think of anything cooler than sliced bread to have as their Timeline of Cool’s 1928 representative? Charles freakin’ Lindbergh got the Medal of Honor in 1928 for his transatlantic flight! The first ever Disney cartoon featuring Mickey and Minnie Mouse was broadcast in 1928! Mr. Rogers was born in 1928, for God’s sake, Penicillin was discovered in 1928 - is none of that cooler than sliced bread? I mean shit, my little sister is cooler than sliced bread, and she’s a loser!

If sliced bread wasn’t an integral part of sammichcraftery, I would go so far as to say “FUCK SLICED BREAD!”

But it is a pretty important part, so all I can do is just shake my fist menacingly and mutter “damn bread…!”

Secondly, courtesy of my Twitter follower JesusIce: “Is the bus coming?” No, dumbass, I just love standing in the rain with wildly ignorant, annoying people such as yourself. It’s sort of my thing.

Seriously? Is that a serious question? Why the hell else would I be standing here, a spot CLEARLY MARKED as a bus stop, with my Metro Card/bus fare in hand, looking down the street at where the bus would first enter my field of vision so I could get all of my shit together and board the bus with as little fuss as possible? I mean, if the bus ISN’T coming, then I must be retarded for standing here listening to you ask stupid questions and try to make smalltalk, right? Thanks for stealing oxygen that could’ve been used by someone who wasn’t useless. Dumbass.

Third, there’s the always classic mainstay “Can I help you?” No. Absolutely not. There is nothing in your power that you could possibly do to help me - shit, there’s nothing OUT of your power, legal or illegal, real or imaginary, that you could do to help me. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been standing in this fucking stationary line for the past three hours, JUST so I could get up here and tell you, “no, there’s nothing you can do to help me.”

What the fuck do you think? After all this time I’ve been standing in line, you’d DAMN SURE BETTER be able to help me, or else I’m gonna be six different kinds of pissed, and small children might be in danger of being kicked if they cross my path. The saddest part is, after all this dumbassery and all this standing in line and shit, by the time the words come out of your mouth, either A) I’ve discovered the solution to the problem myself, B) I’ve completely forgotten whatever it was I had to ask you about (only to leave the line and mere seconds later remember the entire thing), or C) YOU REALLY CAN’T HELP ME, meaning that shits get flipped and small children get kicked.

Lastly, we have something said a lot by my parents as an excuse for not wanting to buy me something when I was little: “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

Well I’m glad ONE of us is a fucking botanist. Here I was - silly me! - just about to go plant a couple quarters in my back yard and grow me some money. What kind of retard would even JESTINGLY presume to believe that through some manner of germination and photosynthesis that a MAN-MADE MATERIAL CURRENCY could be produced? I didn’t ask you if money grew on trees, Mom - I’m not a retard - and if you didn’t wanna buy me the fucking Pokemon cards just fucking say so instead of insulting my intelligence with that stupid bullshit!

Whew.

Stay classy

Going through my rants and laughing at how angry I was. This one jumped out at me hahaha

Readership, sometimes people say things that you just have to scratch your head at. Below are a few more examples of just such things.

First off, something my mother likes to ask me while I’m doing the dishes.

“Hey Fred, are you using soap?”

No, Ma, I actually thought I’d try something new and use fresh horseshit instead of soap to wash the dishes. What the hell else would I be using to wash the dishes? My ass? C’mon, Ma. Get outta here.

Secondly, there’s the constant billing of new movies as “The Number 1 Movie in America.” How the hell is EVERY MOVIE that comes out the number 1 movie in America? By definition, THE number 1 movie is ONLY ONE MOVIE. If EVERY damn movie was the number 1 movie in America, then the title would have no significance. Sort of like Sarah Palin.

Lastly we have “void where prohibited by law.” I guess I could understand the need for such a disclaimer — IF IT WAS ATTACHED TO SOMETHING WORTH IT. I mean, just today I saw a coupon for a breakfast sammich at Dunkin Donuts that said “Buy one, get one free (Void where prohibited by law).”

My question is, where in the HELL is it illegal to get a two-for-one deal on a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sammich? I will burn that place to the ground and completely eradicate its worldly existence.

For realsies.

Stay classy

I need two or three examples of some stupid shit for my next installment of “Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?” To see what kinda stuff qualifies, I direct you to previous installments here, here, and here. Anybody who provides examples will be credited as an … example-giver? Sounds about right.

Anyway.

So what’ve you got?

Readership, last time it was the tenth volume, and here’s the first on the march to twenty. ONWARD!

First off, we have “for shits and giggles.” Usually it’s used like this: “I’m gonna do this, just for shits and giggles,” meaning that there really isn’t a reason to do whatever it is, and that it’s being done just for the hell of it. I admit I’m guilty of saying this, but that’s only because it’s SO FUCKING STUPID that I feel it would be a crime not to let the world hear it every now and then.

But, really though, shits and giggles? I could understand giggles, but not shits - and most certainly not shits AND giggles. I do some things that cause me to giggle without warning - not gonna lie - but NEVER have I done anything that caused me to spontaneously shit myself, and most definitely not shit myself AND giggle at the same time. That’s pretty damn retarded.

Next, there’s “raining cats and dogs.” Really? Literal cats and dogs are falling from the sky? Where the fuck are you that it’s raining cats and dogs? Because I want to stay the hell away from there. That shit would be traumatizing.

Third, there’s “putting a lot of English” on something, which is a phrase used to imply that you’ve put spin on something, usually a ball. My question is, how do you put a language on something? Why is it English? If you wanted to put something unstable on the ball and it had to be a language, why isn’t it something like “putting a lot of Korean” or “putting a lot of Arabic” on it? Both North Korea and the entire region of the Middle East are highly unstable currently. When has England ever been truly unstable? The last time I can think of was when we beat the shit out of them with a bunch of farmers and shit in the 1700s, but other than that they’ve been pretty level (and afraid to take a shit without asking us first).

Lastly, and perhaps most stupidly, “put that in your pipe and smoke it.” It’s a bit of an older saying, so if you’re not hip to it, it’s a phrase employed usually at the end of an argument as a sort of acknowledgment of argumentative checkmate (“…and THAT’S why I’m the shit and you like little boys. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it. Bitch.”)

What the hell? First of all, who still smokes pipes to begin with? Besides Frosty the Snowman, I honestly can’t think of anybody off the top of my head that smokes a pipe. I sure as hell don’t. And if I DID, I for DAMN sure wouldn’t put your dumbass argument into my pipe and smoke it - not because you can’t smoke an argument, but because I wouldn’t put stupid shit in my pipe and smoke it. That just has bad idea written all over it.

Stay classy

Readership, the fact that this feature is in its tenth installment is a testament to the stupidity of the average person. When I posted my very first “Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?” back on Blogger, I had no idea that two years later I would still be going strong with my tenth iteration. Of course, I was also a hell of a lot more naive about people back then.

But anyway.

First off, we have “that’s the coolest thing since sliced bread!” Who the hell thinks sliced bread is cool? And moreover, who the HELL thinks it’s cool enough to be some kind of “cool landmark” - on whose Timeline of Cool is sliced bread an important point? What does the rest of their Timeline of Cool look like? Something like “Lightbulb->Television->Sliced Bread”? Who couldn’t think of anything cooler than sliced bread to have as their Timeline of Cool’s 1928 representative? Charles freakin’ Lindbergh got the Medal of Honor in 1928 for his transatlantic flight! The first ever Disney cartoon featuring Mickey and Minnie Mouse was broadcast in 1928! Mr. Rogers was born in 1928, for God’s sake, Penicillin was discovered in 1928 - is none of that cooler than sliced bread? I mean shit, my little sister is cooler than sliced bread, and she’s a loser!

If sliced bread wasn’t an integral part of sammichcraftery, I would go so far as to say “FUCK SLICED BREAD!”

But it is a pretty important part, so all I can do is just shake my fist menacingly and mutter “damn bread…!”

Secondly, courtesy of my Twitter follower JesusIce: “Is the bus coming?” No, dumbass, I just love standing in the rain with wildly ignorant, annoying people such as yourself. It’s sort of my thing.

Seriously? Is that a serious question? Why the hell else would I be standing here, a spot CLEARLY MARKED as a bus stop, with my Metro Card/bus fare in hand, looking down the street at where the bus would first enter my field of vision so I could get all of my shit together and board the bus with as little fuss as possible? I mean, if the bus ISN’T coming, then I must be retarded for standing here listening to you ask stupid questions and try to make smalltalk, right? Thanks for stealing oxygen that could’ve been used by someone who wasn’t useless. Dumbass.

Third, there’s the always classic mainstay “Can I help you?” No. Absolutely not. There is nothing in your power that you could possibly do to help me - shit, there’s nothing OUT of your power, legal or illegal, real or imaginary, that you could do to help me. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been standing in this fucking stationary line for the past three hours, JUST so I could get up here and tell you, “no, there’s nothing you can do to help me.”

What the fuck do you think? After all this time I’ve been standing in line, you’d DAMN SURE BETTER be able to help me, or else I’m gonna be six different kinds of pissed, and small children might be in danger of being kicked if they cross my path. The saddest part is, after all this dumbassery and all this standing in line and shit, by the time the words come out of your mouth, either A) I’ve discovered the solution to the problem myself, B) I’ve completely forgotten whatever it was I had to ask you about (only to leave the line and mere seconds later remember the entire thing), or C) YOU REALLY CAN’T HELP ME, meaning that shits get flipped and small children get kicked.

Lastly, we have something said a lot by my parents as an excuse for not wanting to buy me something when I was little: “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

Well I’m glad ONE of us is a fucking botanist. Here I was - silly me! - just about to go plant a couple quarters in my back yard and grow me some money. What kind of retard would even JESTINGLY presume to believe that through some manner of germination and photosynthesis that a MAN-MADE MATERIAL CURRENCY could be produced? I didn’t ask you if money grew on trees, Mom - I’m not a retard - and if you didn’t wanna buy me the fucking Pokemon cards just fucking say so instead of insulting my intelligence with that stupid bullshit!

Whew.

Stay classy

Readership, I’m gonna level with you. This past week or so has been so obscenely and ridiculously full of absolutely undiluted pure win that I really haven’t had much to bitch about. As such, this is going to be the first time I’ve gone back-to-back with “Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?” and only the second time I’ve ever gone back-to-back with any “feature” (the other time was here and here, with back-to-back “Blame X for Y” posts).

Now, to the Observation.

First off, we have a favorite question asked around exam time in high schools and colleges nationwide.

“How many questions are on the test?”

What the hell does that matter? Are you OCD, and unable to take a test with an odd number of questions? The number of questions is entirely irrelevant; aren’t you going to take the test no matter how many questions there are? If the professor says there are 29823729401 questions, if it’s a final, and you give a shit about your grades, you know damn well you’re gonna take the test. You might bitch and moan about it the whole time (shit, I know I would - that’s almost 30 billion questions!), but you would definitely take that test, and three days later (when you actually finished it), you’d think you were the shit. Don’t even lie.

Secondly, something said during most emergency situations, or drills for emergency situations: “Please move calmly in a single-file line towards the exit.”

NAH BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT MUH WAY I’M ‘BOUT TO DIE!

Seriously though, how the hell are you gonna tell me to move calmly away from that RAGING CONFLAGRATION behind us? I understand that losing your head in an emergency is what gets you and people you care about hurt or killed unnecessarily, but still. When there’s some terrible shit going down around me - fire, explosions, gunshots, etc. - the LAST thing on my mind is being calm. I want to get the FUCK OUTTA THERE. I’ll be calm when I’m several miles away and the probability that I’ll die off some dumb shit is a little diminished.

Lastly, the action of making your bed. While it’s “technically” not something you say, it’s still fucking ridiculous. I mean, look at it logically. What’s going to happen to your bed the next time you use it? Depending on how old you are and what your housing situation is, you’re either gonna sleep in it or screw in it, and unless you’re a quadriplegic, doing either is gonna un-make your bed. So what the fuck.

Stay classy

Readership, I’m no longer surprised that I continue to find stupid shit people say. So I’m gonna skip the “can you believe it?” and get right to the nitty-gritty. If you’re just stumbling (tumbling?) on to this now that it’s on Tumblr, Volumes 1-7 are available, in order, here, here, here, here, over here, aqui, and here.

First off, we have something courtesy of Hannah aka H-Rose (who, bless her, seems to deal with a bunch of morons, because she’s had a hand in the last two or three iterations of this segment. that’s true classiness right there). Let’s look at a sample conversation to illustrate this.

Student: Professor, how do you spell the musical term, “ritornello?”
MUSIC PROFESSOR: Look it up.

What the hell? “Look it up”? I don’t give a shit about the definition, I just want to know how to spell it, dick. And you, being a MUSIC professor, should know how to spell it. Now, if YOU don’t know how to spell it, that’s a different story, but even if that’s the case, man the fuck up and tell me so we can look it up together and learn something and further our intelligence and shit. Don’t be a bitch about it.

Secondly, we have the phrase “fresh-picked.” People see “fresh-picked” on advertisements for fruits and vegetables and immediately think “wow, this must be some good shit!”

WRONG. “Fresh-picked” has absolutely nothing to do with freshness of the actual fruit or vegetable. For example, say I’m a farmer. I have a grove of the absolute nastiest apples you’ve ever seen in your life. I can go through my grove and find the single nastiest apple that the Earth has ever bore. It’ll be a Red Delicious, but it will be blue. There will be holes all over it, a coddling moth caterpillar would’ve done this to it on the inside (and yes, I actually bit into that apple), and I would’ve sprayed it with so many pesticides that I would need a Hazmat suit before I could even get within ten feet of it. But after I got my Hazmat suit on, I could go up to it and pick it right off the tree and hand it to you, and guess what? That apple, as nasty as it is, would still be “fresh-picked.” And you, good sir/madam, would be shit outta luck.

Lastly, we have the excuse of “thinking out loud.”

Bob: Man, I gotta get that .44 magnum … and the sleeping pills. How am I gonna distract Tim so I can put it in his beer and shoot him … hmmm …
Tim: Uhh, what the fuck?
Bob: Oh! Sorry bro I’m just thinking out loud. Haha.

The fuck? I have several problems with “thinking out loud.” First of all, I call bullshit. You’re not thinking out loud, you’re talking to yourself, you got caught, and now you’re making up some bullshit excuse so that whoever caught you doesn’t think you’re nuttier than squirrel shit. Secondly, why the hell would you think out loud? Your mind (aka where us normal folks do most of our thinking), is a limitless place, where all five senses can be experienced simultaneously. Why would you leave this PERFECT thinking place, where anything you can imagine can be played out in a zillion ways, to narrow your thinking to only words and sound? Are you a retard?

The last time I used “thinking out loud” as an excuse, I almost got my ass beat. My mom was pissing me off when I was around nine years old, and under my breath I said “shut the hell up bitch.” She heard me, and I told her I was just thinking out loud. As she started chasing me, I told her that it was an Eminem lyric, which she almost believed, then remembered that I didn’t listen to Eminem, and chased me around the house and out into the street.

Thank God I’ve got Kenyan speed, or else I wouldn’t be here today.

But yeah. People say some stupid shit.

Stay classy