Readership, the fact that this feature is in its tenth installment is a testament to the stupidity of the average person. When I posted my very first “Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?” back on Blogger, I had no idea that two years later I would still be going strong with my tenth iteration. Of course, I was also a hell of a lot more naive about people back then.
First off, we have “that’s the coolest thing since sliced bread!” Who the hell thinks sliced bread is cool? And moreover, who the HELL thinks it’s cool enough to be some kind of “cool landmark” - on whose Timeline of Cool is sliced bread an important point? What does the rest of their Timeline of Cool look like? Something like “Lightbulb->Television->Sliced Bread”? Who couldn’t think of anything cooler than sliced bread to have as their Timeline of Cool’s 1928 representative? Charles freakin’ Lindbergh got the Medal of Honor in 1928 for his transatlantic flight! The first ever Disney cartoon featuring Mickey and Minnie Mouse was broadcast in 1928! Mr. Rogers was born in 1928, for God’s sake, Penicillin was discovered in 1928 - is none of that cooler than sliced bread? I mean shit, my little sister is cooler than sliced bread, and she’s a loser!
If sliced bread wasn’t an integral part of sammichcraftery, I would go so far as to say “FUCK SLICED BREAD!”
But it is a pretty important part, so all I can do is just shake my fist menacingly and mutter “damn bread…!”
Secondly, courtesy of my Twitter follower JesusIce: “Is the bus coming?” No, dumbass, I just love standing in the rain with wildly ignorant, annoying people such as yourself. It’s sort of my thing.
Seriously? Is that a serious question? Why the hell else would I be standing here, a spot CLEARLY MARKED as a bus stop, with my Metro Card/bus fare in hand, looking down the street at where the bus would first enter my field of vision so I could get all of my shit together and board the bus with as little fuss as possible? I mean, if the bus ISN’T coming, then I must be retarded for standing here listening to you ask stupid questions and try to make smalltalk, right? Thanks for stealing oxygen that could’ve been used by someone who wasn’t useless. Dumbass.
Third, there’s the always classic mainstay “Can I help you?” No. Absolutely not. There is nothing in your power that you could possibly do to help me - shit, there’s nothing OUT of your power, legal or illegal, real or imaginary, that you could do to help me. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been standing in this fucking stationary line for the past three hours, JUST so I could get up here and tell you, “no, there’s nothing you can do to help me.”
What the fuck do you think? After all this time I’ve been standing in line, you’d DAMN SURE BETTER be able to help me, or else I’m gonna be six different kinds of pissed, and small children might be in danger of being kicked if they cross my path. The saddest part is, after all this dumbassery and all this standing in line and shit, by the time the words come out of your mouth, either A) I’ve discovered the solution to the problem myself, B) I’ve completely forgotten whatever it was I had to ask you about (only to leave the line and mere seconds later remember the entire thing), or C) YOU REALLY CAN’T HELP ME, meaning that shits get flipped and small children get kicked.
Lastly, we have something said a lot by my parents as an excuse for not wanting to buy me something when I was little: “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”
Well I’m glad ONE of us is a fucking botanist. Here I was - silly me! - just about to go plant a couple quarters in my back yard and grow me some money. What kind of retard would even JESTINGLY presume to believe that through some manner of germination and photosynthesis that a MAN-MADE MATERIAL CURRENCY could be produced? I didn’t ask you if money grew on trees, Mom - I’m not a retard - and if you didn’t wanna buy me the fucking Pokemon cards just fucking say so instead of insulting my intelligence with that stupid bullshit!