Legally Blind Observations

Readership, everybody’s got at least one person in this world that they will never meet in real life — but if they WERE to ever meet that person, they would kick the shit out of them. I have a lot more than one. This list will be added to as life introduces me to more people that need to get the shit kicked out of them. Or subtracted from, in the highly unlikely but eternally satisfying case of me kicking the shit out of someone on the list. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

1. George Clooney- I have nothing against him personally, but my friend and I were having an argument about who should play Sam Fisher if there were to be a “Splinter Cell” movie, and George Clooney’s name came up. After the utter disaster he wrought in “Batman and Robin,” I vowed never to let George Clooney sully another franchise that I loved, and vowed also to beat his ass if I ever got the opportunity, if for nothing else, to make sure he didn’t do to “Splinter Cell” what he did to “Batman and Robin.”
2. Justin Bieber- This is on pure principle, plus several other reasons. Basically, he’s damn near talentless, and there are other singers in the same age group that are much better. Plus, I could take on a small army of Justin Biebers and still emerge victorious. And now, since the little shit compared himself to Kurt Cobain, regardless of whether the quote is authentic or a fake, he has to die. Hey God, you listening? We’ll give you Justin Bieber if you send back Kurt Cobain. Actually, send back anybody — Biggie, Tupac, fuck it, Luther Vandross. Thanks Big Guy.
3. Corbin Bleu- His hair annoys me, “High School Musical” and its sequel(s) were terrible, he can’t act, or sing (but wants to do both), and he drives a fucking Maserati. He needs to be smote.
4. Zac Effron- His hair annoys me, “High School Musical” and its sequel(s) were terrible, he can’t act, or sing (but wants to do both), and that “Charlie St. Cloud” movie looks like shit.
5. Everyone else on the Disney Channel that “acts” and “sings”- Just because you think you can act, does not mean you can sing, and vice-versa. Especially when you can do neither. Little-known fact: Everyone who signs a contract with the Disney Channel agrees to a clause in their contract that gives me the right to kick the shit out of them in the street if I encounter them at any time Monday through Friday. I keep a bat by the door. Seriously.
6. The first person to say “irregardless”- Completely unnecessary word. You will die, if you haven’t already. And if you have, your closest living relative will take the flak for you. Dick.
7. The Most Interesting Man in the World- Until very recently I had nothing against this man (besides the fact that he drank shitty beer by choice; I may drink Keystone all the time at parties, but that’s just because I’m broke and can’t afford the better stuff). But with his most recent entry of “If he were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the strong urge to thank him,” I draw the line. If he’s gonna punch me in the face, he better make damn sure he kills me, because if I get back up, I’m beating him unconscious and throwing him into a busy intersection. Bottom line, I’d be pissed if Jesus Christ came up to me and punched me in the face, and he’s all Lord and Savior and all that stuff. I don’t give a shit how interesting you are, punch me in the face and I will fuck you up.
8. Steven Seagal- Sweet Christ, if there was an award for shitty acting, Steven Seagal wouldn’t just have it, he’d have it named after him. Between his bullshit brand of “kung fu” (which is basically him clotheslining mindless drones one after another, and an occasional wrist lock and/or Judo throw), his bullshit “I’m tough but I’m also deep” lines, and his propensity to use high-powered weaponry (like 12-gauge shotguns) in a “kung fu” movie, Steven Seagal just needs to be walking with a limp, and I think I’m the right man to give it to him. Besides, nobody with that many straight-to-DVD movies deserves to live.
9. Mike O’Malley- Who told this guy he was allowed to try to be funny? Emphasis on “try,” because he’s a total fucking cornball. His sitcom, “Yes Dear,” is absolutely retarded, and his stupid Time Warner commercials are so bad it’s almost painful. Who orders a chimichanga while on board a double-decker tourist bus? If I were the delivery guy, I’d kick the shit out of him and throw him off the bus into traffic.
10. Seann William Scott- Why the hell do you spell your name with two N’s? Was one not enough you prettyboy douchebag? I’ll give it to you, you were pretty hilarious in “Role Models” but other than that I don’t think there’s been a movie with you in it that I loved. I know for DAMN sure it shouldn’t have been you with Chow Yun Fat in “Bulletproof Monk” and I dunno who you had to blow to get that role, but you must have done a tremendous (blow)job. Stop trying to be so damn different and drop the N before I drop you in the street, punk.
11. James Blunt- “You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true.” HOLY SHIT, REAL CREATIVE. His voice is annoying, that song is retarded and whiny, and spent an inordinate amount of time on the radio station that my parents listened to in the car (and seemed to play a hell of a lot when I was in the car; I dunno if there’s enough evidence for a conspiracy, but I’ll hit him a couple extra times, just in case).
12. Drake- Total shit rapper. Apparently his underground stuff was better (which isn’t saying much), but it seems that since he’s buddied up with Lil Wayne and Young Money, he’s had absolutely nothing of substance to say. He should’ve stayed on Degrassi as Jimmy the paralyzed kid. Shit, if ol’ Aubrey comes through my hood, he won’t have to ACT paralyzed, if you catch my drift.
13. This dumpy bitch. You come at me with that “put a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie” shit and I’ll shake you until your face erases like an Etch-a-Sketch, ya 12-year-old psycho bitch.
14. Christian Bale- Really, he’s just too dangerous to be allowed to live. I’m doing the world a favor by beating his ass. Sidenote, he’s the only one on the list so far that I might need a weapon or a friend to beat. This whiteboy is nuttier than squirrel shit in the most dangerous way possible.
15. D-Trix from Quest Crew. He was amazing when he was dancing with Quest Crew, but now that he’s a judge on America’s Best Dance Crew, I want to beat his chest in with a lead pipe. I thought that there was no one in the world that could be consistently more unintelligible than Lil’ Mama, but then this fucking fool opened his mouth. And after the second episode of the season and him screaming like a little girl, I’m gonna have to say, dude, I need to kick your ass.
16. Speaking of America’s Best Dance Crew, I also have to add Mario Lopez to this list. He’s just so fake. And annoying. And constantly tries to speak Spanish, when it’s completely unnecessary. And, according to sources close to him, he’s a prick. Totally valid reasons to kick his ass.
17. Whoever wrote the J.G. Wentworth 877-Cash-Now jingle. Who the hell is sick enough to make that abomination of music and advertisement? How does that twisted bastard sleep at night? Jesus Christ, can we just get a mob and burn his house down? 
18. Chris Brown. Can’t believe he hadn’t made the list previously, but yeah. No-brainer here (at least in my mind, because it seems to be a bit of a stretch for a lot of other people): he beat the everloving shit out of his girlfriend at the time, badly enough to send her to the hospital — yet everybody loves him? No apology? Welcomed back into the mainstream with open arms? Team Breezy? Winning awards for sub-par music? If there’s anybody on this list that truly, legitimately, non-jokingly needs to get broken in half, it’s Chris Brown. And everybody who’s supported him in any way since he beat Rihanna? Yeah, you guys can punch yourselves in the face twice.